Wednesday, July 06, 2005


I'm having a huge crisis of faith right now, but instead of whinging about it (as I've done before), I'm thinking I need a bit of a re-focus. Maybe I need to stop thinking about writing pretty much 24/7. Maybe I need a vacation from my dreams and goals because all of the sudden, they aren't so much fun anymore.

Instead, I think I might indulge myself in a little fantasy I have. I say fantasy because I think a dream is something that has a chance of happening while a fantasy is most likely not to happen. Anyway, I've always had this little fantasy of buying or renting a little thatched-roof cottage tucked into the glorious English hillside, perhaps near some quaint Cotswold village or ancient town like Bath. This fantasy includes me living in this cozy cabin, writing the hours away and reading book after book snuggled up to a dancing fire. I'd take walks in the countryside and visit the interesting folks living nearby, enjoying their English accents. I'd cut myself off from all of the modern distractions such as TV and Internet so I could remain focused.

The holes in my plan - the reason I say fantasy and not dream - begin pretty much with my declaration of wanting to cut myself off from TV and Internet. I honestly cannot imagine my life without the Internet. It's my window to the world. And while I don't consider myself a true couch potato, there are a handful of shows that I don't miss. I suppose with the proliferation of TV shows on DVD I could afford to miss a few seasons and catch up that way. And I have no doubt that quitting the Internet is no worse than giving up any other addiction. It's hard and painful at first but gets better until you find that living without is no big deal.

Another stumbling block is the idea of being away from all things familiar for any long amount of time. My husband and I took a five week tour of England and Europe, and by the time we got back to the States, I would have sold my eye teeth for a diet Coke with ice and a bowl of Captain Crunch. You don't realize the things you have in your life that you would miss until you can't get them anymore.

I suppose I could have my family send me care packages loaded with the things I'd miss most.

Which leads me to missing my family. I think I'd miss my family if I were gone for a long time. I'm assuming that in my fantasy, my kids are grown and living lives of their own and that Hubby would come with me on my little adventure. But those I left behind would have to come and visit me. A lot.

In the end, it all falls apart when it comes to being able to afford such a dream. A quick glance at real estate in England reveals it is down right expensive to live there. Granted, I live in a part of the country where real estate prices are increasing at a frightening pace, and if I sold my house tomorrow I might have a nice little sum to plunk down somewhere else. But how would I afford to actually buy food and pay utilities once I got there? My fantasy has no space for working a real job.

Since this is a fantasy, though, I think maybe I'll indulge in a couple hours checking out the offerings. What does it hurt to cruise some websites and see what's out there? Maybe it's just what I need to get me out of this slump I've sunk into. Maybe seeing ways that the fantasy can be converted to a dream and then into a reality might be motivation enough to pick myself up and dust off and get back on the horse.

It's that or a truckload of chocolate. Since I have a twenty year high school reunion to attend in two months, I can't afford that chocolate.

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